"Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together."

I have to believe this....  Leaving home this time was hard, harder then I ever expected..  I felt sad the whole last day I was there, while saying goodbye to my dad, my mom, my sister, while boarding the plane, while flying back to Tennessee.  I sit here in my room, trying to figure out what to do with my life... I loved my time back in Arizona. Going to concerts, hanging out with the family, seeing some great friends.  If you know me, you know how easily I get bored..  I want to do something with my life that makes a difference, in the community I live in. I want to live in a small town and drive down back roads in my truck, blaring my country music.  I want to work at a radio station and go to country concerts all day every day.  I want to be a wife who adores her husband and is adored as well.  I want to plant a garden and grow my own food.  I want to not worry about the way I look and just love myself unconditionally.  I want to be forgotten by those who think negatively about me.  I want to be remembered by those whom I was able to influence for good.  There's so much that I want in my life, but yet I don't know what to do with my life.  Do I stay in Tennessee, get residency and get that stupid math class out of the way so I can get my AA?  Do I try and find a job that allows me to travel and have fun with my life?  Do I move to Texas because I love rodeos and I've always wanted to live there?  Do I try and find friends that I can just cling on to and go wherever they go?  What do I do with my life?  Why can't I be that kind of person who just knows what she's meant to do, and go with that?  Why do I have to be so fickle, like stuff that I can't build a life in?  Why can't I just like medical stuff and be a nurse so then my future is set and I can always live in a small town?  Why do I have to be the way I am?  Why can't I have a different personality?  Why can't I have different likes?  Maybe my life would be a lot different if I could only like other things...Maybe I should have done what my Dad always said and stuck with sports...Maybe I should have stayed in Tucson and finished at Pima.  There are so many possibilities that I had in life and very different roads that I chose..  Do I regret them?  maybe.. Do I wish my life was different? sometimes...  But why??  I have a job, a place to live, beautiful country around me, my health, my family.  Why can't I just be happy with that?  How do I find my purpose in life?  Maybe I've realized part of it, but because I don't get praise from other people is a reason why I won't just accept it.  My life is simple, and I love simple... So why am I not satisfied?  Why do I feel like I've ruined things?  There can't just be one path in life that we all go, because we have agency and sometimes our choices move us from where we are going.  Our personalities are too complex for us to just do one thing our whole life.  "Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together."  I'm trying to be happy while this is happening, and I'm trying to do what I can to make this happen.  All I can do is enjoy my life, as it is, and be happy.. And I think I am :)

Love Y'all
Lil' Miss Lolo <3
(Livin' life & lovin' it, from the South)